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19 Flamerule 1372 (Night) - kronk9
19 Flamerule 1372 (Night)
Kronk not fight guards, not with wands. Kronk not like magic. Do funny things to Kronk. So Kronk let guards take him to local guardhouse, outside Everlund.

They not nice. Call Kronk 'scarbearer' -- pretty bad word. Kronk been called worse...but not much.

They put Kronk in cell, maybe 8 foot by 8 foot. Iron bars, one bunk, thin blanket. Bucket of water in corner. Kronk hate cages.

Other two cells empty. Kronk test bed. It not break under Kronk, so I lay back. And wait.

Hour later, senior guard comes around, some half-elf called Ivellios. Talks to Kronk. Akmun and Durth both wearing ring with seal. Thinks they're connected. Wants to know about Durth.

Kronk not say anything.

Thralia is at Olostin's Hold. Ugurth near there. Maybe he hurt Thralia. Kronk should go there.

But Thralia...she mad at Kronk. Maybe Kronk not go.

Could tell senior guard. But he not believe Kronk if I tell him. Guards call Kronk 'scarbearer'. Ivellios probably think same. Just wants someone to blame.

Kronk not say anything. Ivellios leave after while.

Kronk sleep. Nothing else to do.


Kronk woken up by someone singing.

"Drunk last night. Drunk th'night bayfore,
Gonna get drunk t'night like I never been drunk b'fore,
Far when I'm drunk I'mmm HAAAPY AS A CLAM,
Happiest o' drankards in th' WHOLE Dalelands..."

Voice loud, tuneless, not pretty. But Kronk know it. One guard open the door to the cell block, and other guard bring in Serd. He stumble on feet, still singing.

"Nah Archendale is rich, and th' High Dale is sweet,
And Baaattledale is lonely, and Deeeepingdale is deep,"

Serd put arm around shoulder of guard holding him, singing in his face.

"But when y'come fram the Scarland, yer thirsty as a whaaale,
N'can drink moor whiskey than th' WHOLE DAMNED DALE!!..."

Guard holding him have fat face, tries to push him away. "Graf, get the door open, will you," he say to other guard.

"Wait a minna, wait a minna," Serd say, stumbles away from guard. He look in Kronk's cell. "Who is this joinin' the party?"

Kronk get off bunk. "Serd! What you--"

"Serd?! Who might this Serd person be? You must have me mistaken with a great and courageous man, you stupid half-breed!" He turn to Graf. "Dumb half-orcs haven't the brains Chauntea gave a starling, pay him no mind..."

Graf turn to Kronk. "You know this guy?"

"Of course he doesn't, he's never clapped eyes on me in his life! Ugly son-of-an-orc..."

Graf ingnore him. "Well, do you?"

Kronk not smart. But Kronk maybe get it this time. "No. Kronk not know this thinbone drunk."

"Drunk!!" Serd lurch toward cell. "How dare you! Lousy blood of Obould! You wouldn't be the first half-orc who's life I've shaved years from, and for sayin' less'n that." He put left arm behind waist. "C'mon, I'll take you on with one arm behind my back. Or are you a coward, sir?" He swing towards Kronk, like cell door not there.

"Kronk rip off thinbone's arm and beat you with it, you not shut up." Kronk talk loud.

Fat face guard grab Serd by collar. "Alright, leave the scarbearer alone, he's in big trouble. You can sleep it off in here," he say, and Serd turn on him with fist, and start singing again.

"Sing Glorious! Sing Glorious!
Sing one keggg o' beer far th' fourrrr o' us!..."

"Ye gods, Graf, help me with this one..." They wrestle him into the cell. He keep singing.

"Sure'n GLORY T'YER GODS that there arrre n'moor o' us..."

Guards start yelling at him to shut up. He dance little jig as they slam cell door.


Guards go back into office. Kronk can see out little window. It early evening outside. Once guards leave, Serd turn to bunk in his cell, make pillow out of blanket, lay back. Kronk shrug, do same.


Kronk hear voice in sleep.

"Hey, King Obould!"

Water hit Kronk in face. Get off of bed, see Serd holding bucket in far cell in moonlight through window.

"Good, you woke up."

"You talking to Kronk, mayfly?"

"Yeah, you, you ugly halfblood. You know the best thing about killing an orc?"

Kronk scowl. "What?"

"Squeezin' your eyes and pretendin' it's a half-orc."

Kronk talk loud. "Thinbone be squeezing arsehole when Kronk get hold of him."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you, King Obould? Get your hands on some fresh ass for a little squeeze before you run under a mountain."

"They find mayfly under mountain, he not shut up!"

"Oh, you're gonna take me underground, are you, with all them scarbearers? Got ears like like elves, and snouts like pigs, and think you can run the world. You can't even run a garbage scow!"

"Human born on garbage scow!"

"Is that the best you can come up with, you darkeye bastard? I guess its true what they say -- orcs can't think 'cause they get their brains screwed out by their fathers!" He start singing.

The captain of the orc guard,
He couldn't keep his prick hard,
He drove his slave into a cave,
And hoist 'im on his pitard!!

Serd begin banging on cell bars, Kronk yell at him to shut up, and human guard with mustache open door, bring in lamp.

"What the fark is going on in here?"

"I'm singin' King Obould to sleep!"

"Mayfly not shut up," Kronk say.

It dark outside, probably after midnight. Guard turn to Serd, pulls cudgel from belt. "Alright, that's it, quiet down or I'm coming in there."

Serd keep singing.

The slave was kinda funny,
His orc ass was all runny,
He shoved his dog in a hollow log,
And let 'im lick his cunny!!

Human guard curse under breath. "Rolf, bring the keys in here," he say to door. Big dwarf come to door. Serd bang rhythm on bars of cell.

Now come the next grey winter,
The captain's growin' thinner,
He skinned that pup fer a drinkin' cup,
And cooked the rest fer dinner!!

Dwarf looks at human guard. "Who the hell is this guy?"

"Some sot they hauled in tonight. Didn't give a name. C'mon, open the door."

Rolf open cell door. Serd dance a little jig, still singing.

The orc guard's wife was Shautha,
She had pretty mouth-a,
When fifty orcs were headin' north,
Then she'd be goin' south-a!!

Two guards go in, one after other, both with cudgels in hands. "Okay, funny boy," dwarf says. "You had yer chance to zip it. Now we'll be giving you an education."

Serd stop dancing. "You mean you don't appreciate my fine, mellifluous voice?"

"Not a bit."

Serd reach back to scratch ass. "Ahh, I'm just trying to make the evening a bit more memorable for us all."

Human sneer. "Nothing about you we want to remember."

Serd pull hand from behind him, and there wand in it. He point it at guards. They stop. "Well, I suppose you'll remember me now, won't you."

He move it back and forth between them. "Such a little piece of wood, isn't it? But you never know what some crazy drunken bastard might do with one. Send a blast of lightening through your chest...or rain down huge balls of flame..."

He thrust it at human, human flinch.

"Oohh, maybe it'll bring forth one of those creatures your papa would scare you with when you were pullin' on your little sister's pigtails, some fiendish thing with a hundred eyes and too many arms and more teeth than you could count before it swallows you..."

"You aren't drunk at all...are you?" Human talking very slowly now.

"My my, what an impressive feat of deduction. I feel honored to have been bestowed with the weight of your intellect. Might you give me a bit of silence to fully appreciate your gift?" Serd make little circle with other hand. "Turn around and stand against that wall, hands on your head."


Serd wiggle wand at them, press finger to his lips. They turn to wall. Serd take keys from dwarf's belt. "Now, who is on patrol?"

"Ivor and Faelar," human say.

"Alright. If you don't fancy them gettin' hurt, or gettin' hurt yourself, you'll make like a sated dragon and keep your mouths shut, right?" He back out of cell, lock door, open Kronk's cell. Never lowers wand.

Kronk walks out. "Every time Serd do this, always sings "Orc Guard Captain" song." I shake head. "Why?"

Serd turn to Kronk. "I think you aren't showing me the proper appreciation for what I'm doing here." He nod towards door. "Come on, fetch our weapons, we have until the patrol guards check in." He stay in cell block, holding wand.

Kronk go into office, find closet in back with Kronk's axe and Serd's longsword. Back turned to Serd.

In cell, human with mustache say, "You won't get away with this."

Serd turn, look at him. "Now I think someone in your position might figure this isn't the first time I've heard that line. You wound me with your cliche. But I'm a modest man, and so I won't further the injustice by pointing out that we already have."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that."

Kronk and Serd both turn. Ivellios standing in middle of office.

Current Location: Downriver Gate Guardhouse
Current Mood: nervous nervous

2 comments or Leave a comment
dandycat From: dandycat Date: January 30th, 2007 03:46 pm (UTC) (Link)

Who is it??!

Hey, boys and girls!!!

Do you know what a deus ex machina is?


Just kidding. Actually, for a deus ex machina, that was pretty funny and well drawn out. Now I know why you needed all those racial slurs. Where did you get the drinking songs?
waveform_delta From: waveform_delta Date: January 30th, 2007 10:18 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Who is it??!

"Mrs. Whiskey Name" is an incredible simulation of an Irish pub song that I first heard on Murder, Inc.'s only album. I thought it was public domain, but apparently it isn't. Maybe I need to ammend the post.

"The Lonely Orc Guard" I made up myself, although the cadence is built on Friggin' In The Riggin', a song I became familiar with on the Sex Pistol's The Great Rock 'n Roll Swindle album. The song is based on a ship, so I wrote new verses to insult orcs.
2 comments or Leave a comment